


Still Not Ready

by daddyrorish



Category: Code Black (TV)
Genre: F/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-25
Updated: 2015-12-25
Packaged: 2018-05-09 04:22:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,753
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5525216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daddyrorish/pseuds/daddyrorish
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been a very long time since Leanne has been intimate with another person...and her brain might be ready, but her heart may not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Still Not Ready

**Author's Note:**

  * For [FadingIntoYou](https://archiveofourown.org/users/FadingIntoYou/gifts).



> Surprise FadingIntoYou! Merry Christmas from your secret santa! I was totally ready to post this days ago but I had no clue I'd have to wait to sign up here! I hope it was worth the wait, it's my first fanfic in YEARS and there's no one I'd rather writer one for :') I hope you enjoy it!

Hands mix with hands as clothes fall to the floor. She wants this, she’s ready for it. Her hands grab the back of his head, pulling his kiss deeper into her. She feels his hands on her waist as she straddles his lap, and his hands slowly make their way up her sides until they reach her breasts. He grabs her delicately; he knows this is hard for her; this is a big step. He wants to take it slow, but their passion is so intense it sweeps the two of them up faster than either is prepared for.

She breaks their kiss as her hands trail down the front of his shirt, unbuttoning the tiny buttons as quickly as she can manage despite her shaking fingers. This does not go unnoticed and is one more reminder of how big this is for her, one more reminder of her past. He knows she is fragile, no matter the mask she wears. He wants this to be easy for her, he wants to be a comfort, but the rate at which Leanne is working her hands up and down his body, he knows this is what she wants.

Cole reaches up and grabs Leanne by the shoulders, pulling her down on top of him as he leans back into his bed, then slowly rolls her over so he’s on top, careful to shift his weight as to not crush the tiny woman he has the privilege to be with at this moment. She had finally let him in, she had finally opened up to him and he was not going to let this opportunity pass without proving himself to her. He could be good for her, he thinks. He could be what brings her back to life.

He buries his face into her neck, kissing as passionately as he’d ever kissed in his life. Her hands are pressing harder against him now, fueling his fire. He maneuvers her skirt up her thighs until it’s bunched around her hips without leaving his position at her neck, and his hands begin to explore the new territory. Her breathing is quick and her hands continue to press harder into him, into his arms, his stomach, his chest, and then she yelps. He can imagine how long it’s been since the last time she was touched in this way, and he’s honored to be the one allowed to see past her well-guarded walls.

He finds her panties and begins to slide them down her thighs when he realizes – she’s not moving anymore. And that’s when he hears it. A slow whimper, a desperate, pain filled cry that lets him know he’s gone too far, or too fast, or … he’s not sure what he’s done, but he stops immediately, sitting up and off of her, almost scared to look at her face. He swings his legs off the side of the bed, still facing away.

He understands, but can’t help the natural frustration that comes with going that far to no finale. He’d gotten lost in her; he’d gotten so lost that he’d lost her. He hadn’t realized she was pushing him away; she had changed her mind. He’s not sure where to go from here and he’s frozen until he hears her again; this time it’s not a cry as much as a labored breath, and the moment he hears this he turns to her. A hand hides her face from him and she’s lying stiffly, still uncovered, still exposed. He’s not sure what to do, afraid that the slightest touch will shatter her.

“Listen, Leanne, if you’re not ready…” he waits for a response but gets nothing, “you just have to tell me. I’ll understand, you just have to tell me.” Cole’s eyes avoid Leanne’s face, but try as he might he can’t keep his eyes from exploring her body: every curve and freckle and scar, he guiltily takes each detail in. This is the first time he’s seen this much of her, and she’s beautiful.

“Leanne…” He’d hate to admit it, but she’s really beginning to irritate him. He knows about her past, obviously, and he knows that this is probably very hard, but he also knows that no matter how difficult, she’s always been able to talk about it. He’s never seen her shut down like this. He stands, suddenly very aware of his own immodesty.

“I just don’t know what to do, Leanne. We had such a great time tonight, we talked, you said you were ready, we came back to my place, I asked you again, and I understand and you want me to stop, but I need you to talk to me and tell me what’s going on.” Cole grabs his shorts from the floor beside the bed and slides them on awkwardly.

He’s about to leave, he’s about to go in the bathroom before he lashes out at her, his famous temper close to getting the better of him. But something stops him: a small noise, the quick movement of Leanne’s chest, her stillness, and that’s when it clicks – she isn’t shutting down from him. She’s having a panic attack.

“Leanne,” he says as comfortingly as he can. Only now can he see the tears streaming from the corners of her eyes. He’s seen patients have all sorts of panic attacks, some get sick, some pass out, but some freeze, some can’t breath. Cole grabs a blanket from the back of the chair in the corner of his bedroom and he lays it over her, covering her up. He sits beside her and speaks in a soothing voice.

“Leanne, it’s okay,” he tries to take her hand off of her face but she resists. She doesn’t want him to see her like this; she wants to get up and leave and never see him again, but she can’t move. Her chest feels like its on fire, and he sounds like he’s fifty feet under water. She knows this is a panic attack; she hasn’t had one in a long time. They usually hit when she’s driving, especially when she hits that stretch of freeway. That’s when her throat closes and her pulse races, when she has to pull over to the side of the road, turn on her emergency lights, and wait it out.

She can’t breath. She gets sips of air in, if she’s lucky, but mostly she’s focused on not passing out. She feels him try to uncover her face and that makes it worse, the additional physical contact adding onto the initial trigger of this whole episode. He notices his attempt at helping has had the opposite effect, and he scolds himself silently, he knows better than to touch someone in this state but it feels as if all his medical training has left his mind at this moment: all he wants to do is grab a hold of her and tell her everything is going to be alright.

He knows he has to do something though, and Cole thinks back to the last time he helped a patient through a panic attack.

“Leanne… just listen to the sound of my voice.”

His voice. His voice is something she can hold on to. It’s a lifeline, secure and soothing and she listens intently, to every vowel and consonant and flip of his tongue, she hears every detail, even through the fifty feet of water she hears between them.

“I’m here. We’re in my bedroom in my house. We’re about fifteen minutes away from the restaurant, forty minutes from the hospital. It’s Saturday night. We went to the Palm. I had the filet mignon; you had the Chilean sea bass. We shared a plate of crab cakes and we may have had a little too much to drink.” She smiles lightly at this and is able to take more fulfilling breaths. He’s grounding her. She opens her eyes slowly, and while the room is still slightly spinning, she sees him beside her. He smiles down at her and runs his hand through her hair gently.

Leanne is coming back. The room slows to a halt and her hearing clears, her breathing and her pulse slow back to normal, and there’s nothing in the world but the two of them. He stands abruptly; heading into the bathroom but comes back fairly quickly with a cold hand towel and a small glass of water. He sets them on the bedside table for her and turns to his dresser, where he takes out a set of his pajamas for her to change into. They’re going to be absurdly large on her, but it’s better than her getting back into the nice outfit she had on that night.

Leanne gathers the blankets around her neck and sits up slowly. She’s still in the process of recovery but is well enough to speak, finally.

“Hey,” is all she can manage.

“Welcome back,” he smiles, tossing the pajamas beside her on the bed, “feel free to change into those. It’s already one in the morning, you’re welcome to stay the night.” Before she can protest, he adds, “Don’t worry, I’ll sleep on the couch. But it’s too late for you to drive home, especially after that.”

“Sorry,” she means it, she’s beyond embarrassed. She’s ruined his night, and his fun. She can’t help but hate herself, even the slightest bit.

“Don’t be.” He steps closer to her, but keeps a safe enough distance between them, “I understand, Leanne. I’ll always understand.”

He turns, grabbing a tee shirt for himself out of his dresser and heading toward the door before turning back one last time to see The Leanne Rorish sitting in his bed, a sight he’d only dreamed of a thousand times. He wasn’t sure what it was about her, but he knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life trying to figure out what it was.  
“I can wait.” He smiled one last time at her before leaving, shutting the door delicately behind him.

The former burning in her chest was now replaced with comforting warmth, warmth she hadn’t felt in a long time. This one told her, maybe she wasn’t alone in the world after all. Leanne picked the pajama top up from beside her, bringing it up to her nose and she inhaled the sweet smell of his cologne.

She may still not be ready, but she knew when she was, Cole would be the one she’d be ready for.

**Author's Note:**

> feel free to leave me comments! I haven't written fic in years and might be a little rusty, would love to hear feedback because I'd love to get back into it, especially with this fandom!


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